Sunday, July 6, 2014

More Stack Overflow Spam

This one was kind of cute...
hy..i am a girl aged 15..i did a bet with my college freind that on this vacation i will loose my weight and will probally become as slim as a pencil...she said ok if you failed then i will tell this all to the whole class and everybody will make a big laugh on i had given 2 months and 1 is passed and i did nothing(sooory) now only one month is left and just have to loose atleast 15kgs,..anyhow,..plz somebody help me...i just dont wanna any laughing sound wispering about me...plz help me...what should i do.? should i eat grean tea ?water?heonry?...anything else/..plz tell me?

Ok, here we go...
Good day!
i am a girl aged 15..
Ok, you've got my attention. Go on.
i did a bet with my college freind that on this vacation i will loose my weight and will probally become as slim as a pencil...
That was a bad idea. Honestly, what is it with young girls' obsession with weight? If you're thin enough that it's even physically possible to become that skinny (even metaphorically, of course) then you don't need a diet. You need a sandwich. Your friend should know better, though honestly college girls aren't widely known for their wisdom and intelligence either. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but current evidence suggests that not only are you not very smart, you're going to continue to not be very smart for years to come.
she said ok if you failed then i will tell this all to the whole class and everybody will make a big laugh on you...
Your friend's a bitch. Like, a first rate terrible human being. She's an adult who is emotionally bullying a child (you) and risking that child's health for her own amusement. She's not your friend. You're her toy. Also, your classmates are all losers. Don't let their popularity in your silly little school fool you into thinking otherwise.

When this happens, and it will happen, take a good look around the class. Look for anybody who isn't laughing. Anybody who just doesn't care about your ridiculous little bet. Anybody who thinks this whole thing is petty and not even worth taking a moment to look up from their book and see what everybody is laughing at. You want to make friends with that person.
as i had given 2 months and 1 is passed and i did nothing(sooory)....
That's alright, I can assure you that nobody expects a high school girl to be much good at anything. (Or a high school boy for that matter, so don't take this as an attack on gender.) If you had conviction and self-respect you wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.
as now only one month is left and just have to loose atleast 15kgs,..
No you don't. You have to lose one "friend," possibly more.
anyhow,..plz somebody help me...i just dont wanna any laughing sound wispering about me...
Then you shouldn't hang out with petty idiots. (Also known as high school students.) I can sympathize with the fact that you have little choice in the matter. But you have plenty of choices on how you respond to the matter.
plz help me...what should i do.?
Read a book. Go for a walk. Find something somewhere in the world that you enjoy and enjoy it. Live your own life. Don't be a puppet for unimportant people who don't care about you.
should i eat grean tea ?water?heonry?...
If you like green tea, have some green tea. Definitely have some water, water is very good for you. Don't eat Henry.
anything else/..plz tell me?
You're beautiful. Your friend is ugly. Her glamorous college life is probably going to result in being raped at a party. As terrible a person as she is, she doesn't deserve that. But she's going to walk right into it because she's a puppet for her "friends." She won't be targeted for this, it'll just be a crime of convenience for the attacker. He won't even care, probably won't even know who she is. She probably won't report it, if she even remembers it.

Don't become your friend.

Thursday, October 3, 2013

:::sigh::: Old People

I'm bored, and I just closed a random spam question on Stack Overflow which I thought would be fun to dissect in its ridiculousness. The question in its entirety is:
Baby Boomers are the fastest growing pop demographic. Most of them are afraid of computers and they don't have a page. I am working with the senior centers and homes. I would like to get them all online. We will be fundraising to buy one computer for every location. You know how you kids are, you don't return calls or visit. Seniors are so lonely and they just want to know you are okay. If they can see photos and if you can say Hi once in awhile, They will die happy. Now if you could just give me a few ideas. I hope I made you feel guilty enough that you will set up your grandparents on FB they might live a long long life. Any help will be greatly appreciated. I am working with a nation wide challenge to come up with a program. I have all info needed for content but I just learned how to cut and paste. is the group looking for a program. Yes I am a senior.
Thank you for your time. Mother Mary
Obviously not a fit for Stack Overflow, so it's quickly closed and fades into antiquity. But, like I said, I'm bored. So, here we go...

Baby Boomers are the fastest growing pop demographic.
That's a dubious claim.
Most of them are afraid of computers
Really? Like, genuinely afraid? If I put a computer in a room with a baby boomer, will they curl up in fear? Will they run from me if I approach them while holding a tablet?
 and they don't have a page
What's a page? What the hell are you talking about?
 I am working with the senior centers and homes.
All of them? That's a pretty big project already. You'd think with that kind of backing you could do better than just a random post on a website that has nothing to do with what you're doing. (Hint: You might want to work on your communication skills. That's not a technology thing, that's a language thing. And unless you're really old I don't think language is anything new for you.)
I would like to get them all online.
For what purpose? Or is this just one of those "put a computer in the classroom and kids will magically become smarter" things, only with retirees instead of children?
We will be fundraising to buy one computer for every location.
There's that magic again. What about maintenance? Training? Help and support? If you're approaching a demographic who truly doesn't use computers and just handing them a computer, expect to have bought them an expensive paperweight.
You know how you kids are, you don't return calls or visit.
And I also know how you are, you're a condescending bitch.
Seniors are so lonely and they just want to know you are okay.
Can they not make their own friends? Well, judging from your communication skills thus far, maybe not. But at least you've finally approached a point in your rambling, poorly expressed though it may be. Ok, let's encourage and educate seniors to get on Facebook so they can watch us interact with each other, and maybe do some interacting of their own. That's not a bad idea.

Though we're also back to the question of training and support. The internet is also full of scams and fraudsters, and you're intending to metaphorically drive a bus full of seniors into the lion's den, drop them off, and say "you're welcome" as you drive away. I hope all seniors aren't as short-sighted as you.
If they can see photos and if you can say Hi once in awhile, They will die happy.
A morbid thought, but whatever. Communication skills again, honey. When you're pitching a business idea, talking about people dying probably isn't a good conversation starter.
Now if you could just give me a few ideas.
First idea: Stop being an idiot. Second idea: See first idea. Seriously, ideas for what? For how to buy computers for old people? Call Dell, work out a volume discount if you can, give them money, get computers. It's just like buying anything else anywhere ever.
I hope I made you feel guilty enough that you will set up your grandparents on FB they might live a long long life.
What is this I don't even... Ok, first of all, you're not going to guilt-trip anybody into your business venture (charitable or otherwise). Honestly, what the hell is wrong with you? Second of all... Did you seriously just imply that signing up for Facebook might lead to a longer life? I'm starting to wonder if you're not really working on this charity, but are instead a recipient of a charity which puts computers into mental health facilities.
Any help will be greatly appreciated.
Help with what? What the hell are you even asking us to do? What is your call to action?
I am working with a nation wide challenge to come up with a program.
Wait, so you're not actually doing any of this yet, you're just "challenging" people to brainstorm ideas for you? You had a thought, and you can't think of any way to actually make it practical or any indication if your thought is even a good idea, and you just want other people to figure all that out for you? I know I've been asking what you want us to do here, but now I'm curious what is it that you actually do here.
I have all info needed for content but I just learned how to cut and paste.
You have... no information. None. At all. But I'm glad you've learned basic kindergarten craft skills. I'm sure there's a lot of cutting and pasting during group craft times on the ward. is the group looking for a program.
I hope they're not looking to you for one. Because apparently you don't have anything to contribute. Your plan is to crowd-source a plan. Way to win it.
Yes I am a senior.
And you do a disservice to your contemporaries. Please stop representing seniors, they deserve better than that.

Saturday, September 29, 2012


My wife does this thing where she gets companies to send her little product samples for free and she sends them reviews of those products. However, since she doesn't know how to write, I actually write the reviews. Today she handed me a box of Ice Breakers Duo mints for me to review. I'm actually pretty happy with what I wrote, so I figured I'd share it here as well...

I don't like mints. It's important that I preface with that statement so you can understand where I'm coming from here. It's not that I'm against the concept of mints nor do I harbor any manner of grudge against them for some past transgressions. Mints didn't tease me in grammar school. They didn't rear-end my car on the highway. I'm just not a fan of mint in general. Even when served in the form of ice cream with chocolate chips or when delivered to my front door in cookie form by a young girl raising money for her "den." (On both occasions the inclusion of chocolate is a noble gesture, but I'm afraid it remained overpowered by the mint.)

I simply find the flavor of mint aesthetically displeasing. The air of minty freshness it releases chokes me.

So you can imagine my reaction upon receipt of a box of mints in the post. Is there an opposite to elation? Apathy, perhaps? Needless to say, I wasn't interested in trying some new mints. My wife assured me, however, that these mints were somehow different. They were in some way "fruity, not minty." First of all, if that's the case then they're not in fact "mints." They're... "fruits"? No, clearly not. That name has been taken. Something else, perhaps.

But the package clearly says "mints" upon it. The term is downplayed, to be certain, found just beneath the phrase "sugar free" (which also doesn't instill much confidence in me, truth be told). The packaging is also clearly of the "mints" variety. A small plastic cylinder, blue and white primarily, with various ice-inspired designs to convey a feeling of coldness... All features one would expect from mints. But central to the label and more prominent than the word "mint" was the word "strawberry."

Surely, said I, surely that is some gimmicky apparatus. Let me see then what thereat is and this mystery explore. Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore. Tis a mint and nothing more.

I'll be honest with you, or at least as honest as I can be in anonymous internet written form. It's good. I dare say it's not a mint at all. It's a fruit. (No, that name's been taken. The product clearly needs better marketing. We should brainstorm product names on the back of a pub napkin someday.) Well, it's half-fruit. The other half is auspiciously referred to as "cool." Therein lies the marketing, I suppose. It's not a mint, it's a "cool." At least in part.

The overall sensation providing the aftertaste from the entire experience isn't quite as overpowering, quite as curiously strong as competing products may provide. While I can't speak for the majority of the population in this matter, I can attest to my own appreciation of this. It doesn't fully cleanse the palette, but it does provide flavor. As any after-dinner... non-mint... should. And I don't want my palette cleansed. That is to say, I don't want to choke on a cloud of "coolness" while it overpowers the remnants of a perfectly good meal that I would like to continue to enjoy.

In the span of writing this, I've eaten several more of these non-mints. The packaging has two openings, one labeled "to share" which is small and allows only a single non-mint to escape upon shaking and the other labeled "not to share" which opens half of the lid and allows the owner to greedily finger about the contents and take as many as one likes. Be assured that only the latter opening is needed. Though the poetic reference of the option is neither unnoticed nor unappreciated.

For the past couple of years the center console of my car has more often than not been equipped with a particular brand of gum. It's a very good gum. But it is still gum, which inevitably means that it must be disposed of when one is finished with it. This is never a pleasant or dignified process, no matter how discretely executed. I'd have replaced this small portion of my life with mints long ago, were it not for the small detail that mints are vile and unpleasant things. Non-mints, however, may indeed succeed in breaking into the niche market that is the center console of my car. All that remains is to find these at the checkout aisle as conveniently located as my chosen brand of gum so that these can instead be purchased with as much convenience. Then the transition from gum would be complete.

I still don't like mints. Non-mints, however, are thoroughly enjoyable.

Friday, June 29, 2012

Purchased Valor

Apparently the Supreme Court is on a roll while I'm abroad. If you have any visibility into the Internet at all, particularly on Twitter or Facebook, then you're aware of the recent ruling on government healthcare. I don't really follow it, mostly because I don't really care. (Though I am thoroughly amused by the people who claim that they will now move to Canada in order to escape socialized healthcare. Bloody brilliant.)

But there was another decision that, at least in my social circles, has caused a stir. The Supreme Court overturned the Stolen Valor Act. For the uninitiated, this act was passed several years ago in order to make it a federal crime to use otherwise-acquired military decorations of valor (Purple Heart, Medal of Honor, etc.) to falsify a decorated military career. Basically... You can wear costumes of course; You can keep your dad's medals around; You can even buy medals as a collector; But you can not claim to have earned those medals.

Makes sense, right? Wait, does the act make sense or does the overturn make sense? It's an interesting debate, and one that apparently made it all the way to the Supreme Court. Now, I'm about to make a statement that will make me very unpopular with some of my friends...
I agree with the Supreme Court's decision to overturn the Stolen Valor Act.
Hear me out. Don't just get all emotional and fly off the handle. (Or, to put it another way... At ease, soldier.)

I completely and wholeheartedly agree with the motives behind the act. What the act was attempting to prevent is, in every way, reprehensible behavior. It is morally and socially corrupt. It is, for lack of a better vocabulary on my part, a really shitty thing to do. And people shouldn't do it. Period. End of discussion.

But it should not be a state-prosecutable crime. I do not agree with heavy-handed government. I do not support the endless creation of more and more laws to make more and more things illegal without a damn good reason. And, I'm sorry to tell you this, but moral outrage is not a good enough reason. Just because something offends you does not make it a state-prosecutable crime.

A lot of people are offended by homosexuality. A lot of people are offended by the Muslim religion. A lot of people are offended by pornography. Should these be state-prosecutable crimes? You may argue that these are not morally reprehensible things and that stolen valor is. I agree with you. Seriously, I do. However, while these are values that we share and upon which we agree, they are not immutable principles of social interaction. And, to that end, the government has no right dictating our values. Other people have different values.

Just because you are offended does not mean that somebody has done harm to your person or property. Whether or not you are offended by it is entirely internal to you and has no bearing on the act itself. While I agree with you that it's wrong, I do not support the state detaining and prosecuting people because of it. That's a pretty serious line to cross and, again, you need a damn good reason to convince me to cross it.

We live in, for lack of a better term, a free country. Sure, people bitch and moan all the time about how our freedoms are being eroded away and how we're not allowed to do whatever we want and blah blah blah. Many times I agree with them, other times I don't. But that's not what freedom is. Don't confuse liberty with anarchy. Freedom is at its core our ability to be heard and be counted.

For example, an old friend of mine was recently ranting about how we're not a free country because he's not allowed to drive without a seatbelt. Again, don't confuse liberty with anarchy. Here's a list of things he is free to do:

  • He is free to openly complain about it.
  • He is free to fight it in open court.
  • He is free to appeal the court's decision.
  • He is free to appeal to the press for public support.
  • He is free to gather public support himself (petitions, etc.).
  • He is free to publicly speak out against what he believes is an unjust law.
  • He is free to assemble and lead others who support his cause.
  • He is free to openly protest.
  • He is free to appeal to his legislative and executive representatives.
  • (He is free to realize that it's a state law and not a federal one.)
  • (He is free to understand that local municipalities can locally overturn state laws.)
  • He is free to propose ballot questions and gather the requisite public support to get those questions on the ballot.
  • He is free to vote on such a ballot question.
  • He is free to vote against any representative who does not agree with his position.
  • He is free to vote for any representative who does agree with his position.
  • He is free to run for office.
  • And, of course, he is free to choose to do none of these things.
A lot of people have laid down their lives to defend and uphold these freedoms. A lot. And while this may be a comparatively minor case when considered against directly attacking any of those aforementioned freedoms, it's still a case nonetheless. I refuse to erode personal liberty just a tiny bit more. It's a very short path between a government which mandates that a morally reprehensible act is illegal to a government which mandates a set of morals. The latter sounds a bit more frightening, doesn't it?

Doing something that offends you does no harm. Wielding vast state power to incarcerate somebody does. Without a truly compelling argument, I will err on the side of limiting state power.

Now, maybe there is a compelling argument. Maybe there's something I haven't considered. (Could it be? Surely you jest!) And I'm willing to hear such an argument. (With the caveat that arguing on the internet is a fool's debate and I wouldn't give that debate any serious attention. But I'm still willing to hear it, so go ahead.)

Now there are websites which actively seek to "out" these individuals in their morally reprehensible act. And for that, bravo. If someone has the freedom to lie then someone else has the freedom to call them a liar. Tread carefully, mind you, lest you wield the great arm of the social mob to bring undue harm upon such an individual. Don't cross that line. If you provide information about somebody's public actions, that's one thing. If you incite people to act against that somebody, you start to enter dangerous territory. However, without such crossing of lines to be had, I'm all for it.

The act of stealing valor is a heinous and terrible thing to do. The Stolen Valor Act is not a just response. Sorry, but being an asshole isn't a state-prosecutable crime.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Sure, I Can Write Something Again

For some reason this blog got a bunch of page views a few days ago. I have no idea why; I haven't written anything in almost a year. But, hey, what the hell, I can write again I suppose. So, what random bit of nonsense crosses my fancy right now...

You know what really bugged me about Star Trek: First Contact? I mean, aside from the fact that it was terrible. No matter what happened, no matter how many sharks they jumped, no matter how many times they used the word "time" in a pun, there was one thing that bothered the crap out of me.

When Zephram Cochrane was standing on the hillside and Geordi La Forge said, "You know, I wish I had a picture of this."

How do you not have a camera?

You have bionic eyes. Your bionic eyes can see light on all spectrums. They can record and transmit sensor data that your writers can't even fully explain. Also, you're carrying all kinds of gadgets and gizmos for taking sensor readings on things.

Here in the beginning of the 21st century everything has a camera. Why don't you? If this movie had been made 40 years ago then you might have an excuse. But this movie came out in 1996. Camera phones weren't around yet, but they were getting close. Surely it wasn't a stretch of the imagination. Especially not for a science fiction show set in the 24th century filled with amazing technology.

Handheld device that can record vast amounts of information on all measurable matter and energy? Check. Bionic eyes? Check. Ability to capture a single image of your surroundings? No.